Problems in Relationships: How to Decide Whether It's Worth It to Stay
As a relationship and couple's therapist in Berkeley, CA, I am often asked by clients whether they should stay in their relationship. "My partner drinks too much, but they're trying..." "My partner works too much..." "We get in huge fights..."
"Should I stay?!"
Well, I have a few questions for you...
Deciding to leave a relationship when there are problems can be incredibly difficult, especially when it's unclear if the issues are significant enough to warrant such a drastic step. The uncertainty about whether the problems can be resolved or if they indicate deeper, irreparable differences often leaves individuals feeling confused and torn.
Examples of some common problems that people consider ending relationships for...
Substance misuse
Emotional regulation problems (anger outbursts, shutdowns, shame, extreme discomfort avoidance), stress management
Mismatched emotional availability
Relationship ambivalence, commitment differences
Lack of availability, time spent together due to other commitments
Divergent difference in life goals
Lying and betrayals
Sexual difference, libido or sexual health concerns
Different needs for monogamy, polyamory, openness
Financial disagreements
1. Do you both agree on the problem?
If they do not think their behavior or lifestyle is a problem, the problem will not be fixed. Sometimes this is a) a difference of opinion (prefers to spend less time with partners, values work, wants a casual relationship) but b) sometimes it is denial, trauma, or mental health problems. In case of a) it is an issue of incompatibility that might not be able to be negotiated and if your partner does not think it is a problem they may not be willing to compromise. In case of b) you're not your partner's therapist and you can not make people see things they are not ready to see.
If the answer is yes, you can move on to question 2...
2. Is your partner working on the problem?
If someone knows there is a problem, but they aren't doing anything about it...the problem will not be fixed. If you have a partner continuously agreeing to work less, go to therapy, drink less, stop throwing things, etc, but as soon as you are both calm and things are going well, no changes are pursued. People can spend years in relationships like this and depending on the problem, these relationship can cause a lot of chaos and harm. At best, this dynamic can lead to unhappiness and resentment.
If the answer is yes to 1 and 2, you can move on to question 3...
3. Is there progress on the problem? Can you tolerate the rate of the progress?
If someone agrees there is a problem and is working on it, but is having no results...well maybe they aren't doing the right thing and need to go consider that. Are they? And maybe they aren't changing fast enough for you considering the problem? In the end, you get to decide what is acceptable and tolerable for you. Certain problems are emergencies--for instance anger outbursts that feel scary. Certain problems like working on boundaries with work may be able to unfold more slowly. You're not morally obligated to facilitate a growth process for a partner; on the other hand, it might feel authentic and joyful to support a partner in more or less mutual relationship.
If the answers to all 3 questions if yes, staying makes sense. But remember the answers to the 3 questions can evolve and change.
Leaving a relationship can be an incredibly challenging and emotional process. It involves not only the end of a shared life and the dreams built together but also the fear of the unknown and the potential for loneliness. Many individuals struggle with feelings of guilt, loss, and the fear of hurting their partner. The bonds of love, intertwined lives, and shared memories make the decision to leave a heart-wrenching one. Moreover, the societal and familial pressures often add to the complexity, making it difficult to take that final step. Seeking support from a therapist can provide the necessary guidance and emotional strength to navigate this tough journey.
