The Four Attachment Styles and Why They Matter In Your Relationship
“Research has consistently demonstrated that understanding our different attachment styles and using this knowledge to move into more secure functioning with a partner is an important component in creating fulfilling and sustaining relationships.”
― Jessica Fern
As a couples therapist in Oakland and Berkeley, CA, I often work to assist couples in identifying and understanding the attachment patterns that are playing out in their current relationships and how their past experiences of attachment may be influencing their behavior now. Individuals and couples can heal past attachment wounds and traumas and develop more positive, vulnerable, and secure ways of relating to others.
All humans have an innate need for close, secure relationships, and the way we form and maintain these relationships is influenced by our early experiences of attachment.
When our early attachment needs were not met, it can lead to insecure attachment patterns and negative effects on our emotional and social functioning. Both avoidant and anxious attachment styles are parts of unconscious strategies to get our needs met without opening ourselves to pain.
Secure Attachment - comfortable with intimacy and feel secure in their relationships. They are able to rely on others and feel comfortable asking for help when needed. They have a positive view of themselves and their partners and are generally trusting and empathetic. They value emotional closeness and are able to communicate their needs effectively.
Anxious Preoccupied- worry about their relationships and are preoccupied with thoughts of rejection or abandonment. They may seek a lot of reassurance from their partners and feel anxious when their partner is not available. They tend to have a negative view of themselves and a positive view of their partner. They may also struggle with communication and have difficulty expressing their needs clearly.
“Frequently consumed by fears of abandonment, people functioning out of a preoccupied style will easily give up their own needs or sense of self, yielding to the needs or identity of their partner in order to ensure proximity and relationship security.” —Jessica Fern
Avoidant Dismissive - tend to avoid emotional closeness and may feel uncomfortable with intimacy. They may prioritize independence and self-reliance and may have difficulty trusting others. They often have a positive view of themselves and a negative view of their partner. They may also struggle with emotional expression and may be dismissive of their own or others' emotions.
“For the dismissive style, the journey from insecure to secure attachment is one of returning to the body through bringing feelings and sensations back to life and learning how to be with oneself in this process. Once this is established, the risk of then leaning into others, revealing one's internal world, and dismantling the self-reliant exoskeleton through asking for help and care from others can begin.”
— Jessica Fern
Fearful Avoidant - a mixture of anxious and avoidant traits. Sometimes called "disorganized." They may want intimacy but feel uncomfortable with it at the same time, due to a fear of rejection or abandonment. They may struggle with trust and have a negative view of themselves and their partners. They may also have difficulty communicating their emotions and needs.
Is this you? “A common predicament that arises in relationships is referred to as the distancer-pursuer dance. In this type of relationship, a person pairs up with their ostensible opposite from an attachment perspective, so one partner (the distancer) constantly seeks more space, while the other (the pursuer) constantly pursues more connection. As the distancer attempts to take physical or emotional space, the pursuer moves in closer to try to bridge the gap. The closer that the pursuer comes, the more the distancer pulls back, which then provokes the pursuer to move in even more. The pursuer never catches up, while the distancer never fully gets the breathing room they need. The pursuer fears that they will be abandoned, while the distancer fears being engulfed.” Reach out to discuss couples therapy!
