How To Be a Better Listener
“Being present is not just putting your phone down for a few minutes. It is a way of being, from interaction to interaction, where you consciously inhabit your own body and show up with the best of your attention, offering your presence as a gift.” —Jessica Fern
Active listening is simple in concept but at times, difficult to execute. As a queer couples therapist in Oakland and Berkeley, CA, I often coach clients and provide opportunities to use active listening skills. Active listening is listening to deeply understand another person and help another person feel you are fully present to hear about and understand their experience.
That means if you are multitasking, waiting to share your own experience, debating the facts, or ping-ponging (see this blog post), you're not doing active listening.
If you start experiencing dysregulation, becoming defensive or shameful, you may not be in a place for active listening. You may need to take a break and come back when you are ready to hear and understand another person.
Paraphrase
Learn to rephrase what the speaker is saying so you communicate understanding (and give opportunity for clarification):
"I'm hearing you were hurt and you would prefer if I ___"
Open-Ended Questions
Learn to ask questions that increase your understanding in benefit of the speaker:
"What was your experience when I did__"
"So, you're saying you felt __, how can I better communicate? "
Verbal Affirmation
Learn to skillfully use short phrases like:
"uh huh"
"That makes sense"
"I understand"
Empathy
Learn to skillfully express empathy with phrases like:
"Do you need to be helped, heard, or hugged?"
"I'm so sorry you experienced that"
"How can I help?"
Non-Verbal Affirmations
Learn to skillfully include:
Nodding
Eye contact
Facial expressions
Avoiding distraction
