Couples Therapy Homework: Identifying Your Part With Parts Work
Parts work in relationships.
Parts work is a therapeutic approach that helps individuals understand the different "parts" of themselves—distinct aspects of their personality that often have their own feelings, needs, and perspectives. In a relationship, one partner’s parts can interact with the other partner’s parts, sometimes leading to conflict or misunderstanding. For example, one partner’s protective part might feel triggered by a perceived criticism and react defensively, which in turn could activate the other partner’s part that feels hurt or unappreciated.
By using parts work, couples can begin to identify and understand these internal dynamics, recognizing that conflicts often arise from these interactions between parts rather than from a partner’s intention to cause harm. This approach allows individuals to communicate from a place of greater awareness, expressing their needs and feelings without triggering defensive responses in their partner. Understanding these interactions can help couples navigate conflicts more effectively and deepen their emotional connection by fostering empathy and understanding for each other's internal experiences.
Example.
Let’s consider a common scenario to illustrate how parts work can play out in a relationship:
Imagine a situation where one partner, Alex, arrives home late from work without calling ahead. Alex’s partner, Jordan, has been waiting and starts to feel anxious and upset. When Alex finally arrives, Jordan’s anxious part might immediately take over and express frustration, saying, “You never think about how your actions affect me!” This statement triggers Alex’s defensive part, which feels attacked and misunderstood. Alex might respond by saying, “I’m working hard to provide for us! Why don’t you appreciate that?”
In this example, Jordan’s anxious part is interacting with Alex’s defensive part, creating a cycle of conflict where both partners feel hurt and unacknowledged. Through parts work, Jordan might realize that their anxiety comes from a part that feels abandoned or neglected, perhaps stemming from past experiences. Alex might discover that their defensive reaction is a protective part, trying to shield against feeling criticized or unappreciated.
Parts Work Exercise for Relationships:
Modified from Internal Family Systems Couples Therapy Skills Manual
Consider your feelings of frustration, anger, or defensiveness as protective attempts to get your needs met. Partners react better to vulnerable I-Statements than anger, criticism, or demands. Use the below worksheet to identify the core needs, protective parts, and vulnerable parts that are commonly elicited during interactions with your partner.
Focus on a common feeling of frustration that you experience after a triggering interaction with your partner. What do you notice? Note feelings, thoughts, beliefs, sensations.
What is your normal (perhaps impulsive) reaction?
What parts of you react? (Common examples: submissive, controlling, angry, impatient, manipulative, analytical, defensive, withdrawing)
What response does your reaction elicit from your partner?
What happens internally when you get that response from your partner’s parts? (Common examples: feelings like happy, anxious, sad, excited, angry)
What do you notice about this cycle of reaction and counterreaction between your protective parts and your partner’s protective parts?
Can you sense the vulnerable part under your protector’s part? What do you know about that part?
What patterns or incidents from childhood lead to these vulnerable and protective parts?
What core needs did you young, wounder part look for but did not get? (Common examples: being heard, loved, witnessed, held, understood, connected, safe, compassionate)
