Couples Therapy Homework: Challenging Relationship Assumptions
In relationships, it's common for us to misinterpret our partner's behavior as being directly about us. For example, if a partner frequently talks about work, we might mistakenly believe they're only excited about their job and not about us. Or if a partner is often late, we might interpret this as them not valuing our time or the relationship. These misinterpretations can be harmful because they transform neutral or unrelated actions into emotional facts, leading us to feel undervalued or unimportant. Scroll down below for the exercise or read on.
Don’t make assumptions about behavior.
The problem with assuming actions as meaning your partner feels a particular way is that it causes unnecessary emotional distress and misunderstanding. It can lead to resentment and conflict, driving a wedge between partners. To avoid this, it's important to check our assumptions. Instead of jumping to conclusions, we can ask open-ended questions and seek clarification about our partner's actions. This helps us to understand their true intentions and feelings.
Instead of mindreading how your partner feels, identify how you feel and what you need.
Identifying our own feelings and needs is crucial. When we notice a strong emotional reaction, it's helpful to pause and reflect on what we're really feeling and why. Are we feeling insecure, neglected, or unappreciated? Recognizing these emotions allows us to communicate more effectively with our partner and to address our needs directly, fostering a more understanding and supportive relationship. Homework on identifying our own experience here.
From thefeelingswheel.com
Don’t criticize, express needs.
The Gottman Institute emphasizes the importance of expressing positive needs rather than resorting to criticism or complaints when communicating with a partner. Criticism often focuses on what a partner is doing wrong and can feel like a personal attack, leading to defensiveness and conflict. Instead, the Gottman Institute advises couples to articulate their needs in a positive way by stating what they desire or appreciate. For instance, instead of saying, "You never spend time with me," which is critical, one could say, "I love spending time together and would enjoy planning a date night soon." This approach encourages a more constructive and loving dialogue, focusing on building the relationship rather than tearing it down. By expressing needs positively, partners are more likely to respond with understanding and a willingness to meet those needs, fostering a healthier and more connected relationship. Check out the homework to soften your start up here.
Challenging Assumptions Exercise:
Below is a simple exercise to pause, to test your assumptions, and figure how to collaborate with partner on meeting each other’s needs.
A note on attachment trauma.
People's past traumas can heavily influence how they perceive their partner's actions and intentions, often leading to assumptions that are disproportionate to the actual situation. For instance, someone with a history of attachment trauma may interpret their partner's need for personal space as abandonment, triggering intense feelings of insecurity. While it's important for partners to be mindful and sensitive to each other's triggers, individual healing is often necessary. Certain deep-seated traumas can create emotional wounds that no amount of reassurance from a partner can completely heal. In such cases, trauma support from a therapist may be essential. This support helps individuals process and heal from their past, allowing them to respond to present situations with a clearer and more balanced perspective. Combining individual healing with relationship work can foster a more supportive and understanding partnership, where both individuals feel secure and connected.
