Process Versus Content in Couples Therapy
Ever notice you keep having the same fight with your partner no matter the topic you’re fighting about? Do your fights become about the fights themselves? As a couples therapist in Oakland and Berkeley, CA, I see this every day.
Focusing on the process rather than the content involves paying attention to how the couple interacts rather than the specific details of what they are discussing. For example, if a couple is arguing about household chores, a content-focused approach might involve discussing who is responsible for which tasks and finding a fair division of labor. However, a process-focused approach would look at how the couple communicates during this discussion—whether they interrupt each other, speak with respect or hostility, and how they express their feelings. The therapist might observe that one partner tends to shut down when the other raises their voice or that both partners escalate the argument by blaming each other. By focusing on these interaction patterns (the process), the therapist can help the couple become more aware of how they communicate and develop healthier ways to engage with each other, which can lead to deeper and more lasting change than simply resolving the specific issue at hand (the content). This doesn’t mean couples therapy will never involve important-to-the-couples subjects, but a couples therapist’s eyes will always be on improving the process.
Couples therapy can be frustrating for clients because it requires them to look beyond the immediate, tangible issues they want to solve and delve into more abstract, often uncomfortable aspects of their relationship dynamics. Clients may come to therapy expecting straightforward solutions to specific problems, such as dividing household chores or managing finances. When the therapist shifts the focus to how they communicate or react emotionally during conflicts, it might feel like the therapist is sidestepping the real issue or not addressing their concerns directly. This can be annoying because it requires a level of introspection and self-awareness that can be challenging, especially when clients are eager for quick fixes. Additionally, it might feel as though the therapist is questioning their communication style or blaming them for the problems in the relationship, which can be difficult to accept, especially when emotions are running high. This focus on process can slow down what clients perceive as progress, leading to impatience or frustration as they grapple with deeper issues that are less visible but crucial for long-term change.
Focusing on the process rather than the content in couples therapy is crucial because it addresses the underlying dynamics that often contribute to recurring conflicts, regardless of the specific issues at hand. When couples repeatedly argue about various topics—whether it’s money, chores, or parenting—the content of these arguments may change, but the way they communicate and interact during conflicts often follows the same negative patterns. By highlighting and addressing these patterns, the therapist helps the couple to become more aware of their communication style, emotional triggers, and the impact of their behaviors on each other. This awareness allows them to break out of unhelpful cycles and develop more constructive ways of interacting, which not only helps in resolving current issues but also equips them to handle future conflicts more effectively—and eventually without the aid of a couple’s therapist! Ultimately, focusing on the process leads to deeper emotional connection, improved communication, and a stronger relationship foundation, which is essential for long-term relationship health and satisfaction.
