The Five Stages of Grief and Your Family of Origin
The five stages of grief, as originally outlined by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, are often associated with the process of mourning the loss of a loved one. These stages can also be applied to other types of grief and loss, such as the realization that your family is not what you need.
Terms:
Family of origin - the significant caretakers and siblings that a person grows up with, or the first social group a person belongs to, which is often a person's biological family or an adoptive family.
Grief - the response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or some living thing that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, grief also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, cultural, spiritual and philosophical dimensions
Most of us have experienced some deficit or lack in our childhood. Even with parents who tried their best, often we are left with wounds from not receiving what we needed or carrying what we should not of had to.
We may have experienced:
Not feeling seen or understood
Emotional invalidation
Feeling unaccepted or unacceptable
Emotional neglect
Criticism or high standards
Needing to minimize your needs for the people around
Emotional abuse
Physical neglect
Physical abuse
When adulthood rolls around, many of my clients continue to attempt to get relationships from their parents that their parents are imperfect and limited and not capable or willing to give them what they need. As a therapist in Oakland, CA I help clients set expectations and boundaries around this reality--but of course we first have to accept this reality. And acceptance only happens after grief.
Especially with family relationships that continue, the grief process is not linear. We may be constantly adjusting our boundaries and expectations and thus, the grief process may find itself reignited. As Kübler-Ross says, “The five stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance - are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief.” Below I describe the stages of grief related to processing your family of origin's disappointments or hurts.
“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”
― Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Denial:
Denial is often the initial stage of grief, where you may find it difficult to accept the reality that your family is not meeting your needs. You might downplay or ignore the issues, hoping they will improve or pretending they don't exist. Denial serves as a defense mechanism to protect yourself from the pain and disappointment associated with this realization.
You may be in the denial phase of grief if you find yourself:
Having the same cyclical arguments or conflicts in your family
Attempting to convince your family that you are good/acceptable/normal (in healthy family's you don't need to do this!)
Trying to convince yourself that you did not suffer in your family of origin or minimizing faults of your family or childhood
Believing yourself to be bad, inadequate, etc
"The more you learn, the harder the lessons get." ― Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Anger:
As the denial begins to fade, you may start feeling anger. You might feel resentful towards your family members for not fulfilling your needs or for the ways in which they have let you down.
You may be in the anger phase of grief if you find yourself:
Doing some of the denial or bargaining steps but louder!
Ranting about family dynamics to friends, loved ones, your therapist
Finding yourself using black and white or all good/all bad thinking when it comes to your family members
Cutting off relationships
"Your sorrow is the inevitable result of circumstances beyond your control," ― Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Bargaining:
In the bargaining stage, you may attempt to negotiate or find ways to reconcile your unmet needs with your family. You might make compromises, hoping that things will change or improve.
You may be in the bargaining phase of grief if you find yourself:
Attempting to change your family in the same ways despite family showing little to no interest in changing
Attempting to get your needs met that have never been met
Trying to adjust your boundaries and expectations despite those boundaries and expectations leaving you feeling overly taxed, upset, inauthentic, etc.
Reonsidering some of the denial steps
“As difficult as it is to endure, depression has elements that can be helpful in grief. It slows us down and allows us to take real stock of the loss. It makes us rebuild ourselves from the ground up. It clears the deck for growth. It takes us to a deeper place in our soul that we would not normally explore.”― Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Depression:
As the realization settles in that your family is not what you need or needed, you may experience feelings of sadness, emptiness, or despair. It's common to mourn the loss of the idealized family you had hoped for. Allow yourself to grieve and process these emotions. Seeking support and connection from others!
You may be in the depression phase of grief if you find yourself:
Expressing and feeling deep sadness about your family and your childhood
Feeling low energy
Feeling hopeless about the situation
Not wanting to engage or communicate with family
Feeling victimized and unempowered
“The beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of those depths...We will never like this reality or make it okay, but eventually we accept it.”― Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Acceptance:
Acceptance doesn't mean that you have to condone or be okay with the situation, but rather that you have come to terms with the reality of your family not meeting your needs. You may start to explore alternative sources of support, such as close friends, chosen family, or support networks, to fill the emotional void. Acceptance allows you to focus on healing and building a fulfilling life despite the family circumstances.
You may be in the acceptance phase of grief if you find yourself:
Being able to acknowledge your suffering, that you did not get everything you needed and deserved, or that you were abused--depending on the reality of your situation
Processing your experience of suffering
Being able to see the faults of your family and caregivers without using black/white or all good/all bad thinking
Being able to set expectations of your family that make sense for your circumstances
Being able to set boundaries for your family that make sense for your circumstances
“We need time to move through the pain of loss. We need to step into it, really to get to know it, in order to learn”― Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Grieving our family of origin and grieving what we did not receive or should not have experienced frees us to live in the here and now and learn how to move forward in our current relationships.
