What is Codependency Really? And introducing its healthy cousin, interdependence.
Let’s talk about codependency. It’s one of those therapy buzzwords that gets thrown around a lot—on social media, in friend group chats, maybe even in your late-night spiral down Google’s rabbit hole. But what does it really mean? And how is it different from just being in a close relationship? Let’s break it down.
Codependency: The Basics
At its core, codependency is a pattern of behavior where one person prioritizes someone else’s needs, emotions, or well-being to the point of neglecting their own. It’s like being so focused on keeping someone else afloat that you’re treading water—and eventually drowning—yourself. This often comes with a sense of self-worth being tied to how much you can care for or "fix" someone else.
“Codependency is about normal behaviors taken too far. It’s about crossing lines...We don’t have to be so attached to people that we think we can’t live without them. We don’t have to stay in dysfunctional relationships because we’re afraid we won’t survive on our own.”
Codependency usually has roots in early family dynamics or trauma. If you grew up in a household where you had to manage a caregiver’s emotions (think: walking on eggshells around a parent who could explode at any moment) or where your needs weren’t prioritized, you might have learned to make yourself small and focus all your energy on keeping the peace. Over time, this can become a default way of being in relationships—putting others first, losing yourself in the process.
“Codependency is the child’s reaction to unhealed parental wounds. It’s a survival strategy developed in dysfunctional families where love is conditional and emotional neglect is the norm.”
Why People Become Codependent
Codependency doesn’t just pop out of nowhere. It’s a survival strategy that often starts in childhood. Here are a few common scenarios:
Caretaking Roles: Maybe you had a parent who struggled with addiction, mental health issues, or chronic illness, and you had to step in as the "little adult" in the family.
Emotional Neglect: If your caregivers didn’t validate your emotions or made you feel like your needs were "too much," you might have learned to suppress your own needs and focus on others to feel safe.
Unpredictable Environments: Growing up in chaos can lead you to over-focus on controlling relationships as a way to feel secure.
These patterns make sense when you’re a kid trying to survive, but they can cause problems when they follow you into adulthood. Codependency might show up as staying in toxic relationships, struggling to set boundaries, or feeling lost without someone to care for.
“The codependent focuses so much on other people that they lose sight of themselves. Their thoughts and feelings revolve around someone else, and they struggle to recognize their own wants and needs.”
Interdependence: The Healthy Alternative
Now, let’s be clear: relying on other people isn’t a bad thing. Humans are wired for connection! We all need people. Healthy relationships are interdependent, which means there’s a balance of give and take. You can lean on your partner during a rough patch and let them lean on you without losing your sense of self.
Interdependence looks like:
Mutual Support: You both show up for each other while still respecting each other’s boundaries and individuality.
Emotional Regulation: You can manage your emotions without relying on your partner to "fix" you (and vice versa).
Clear Communication: You’re honest about your needs and feelings, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Boundaries: You’re able to say "no" or ask for space without fearing the relationship will fall apart.
Misconceptions About Codependency
Codependency often gets a bad rap. Sometimes people throw the term around to shame anyone who’s emotionally invested in their relationships, which is... not it. Here’s what codependency isn’t:
It’s not loving someone deeply.
It’s not relying on your partner during a tough time.
It’s not wanting to be close to the people you care about.
We’re social creatures! It’s okay to depend on others. The key difference is whether you’re able to take care of your own needs and maintain your identity within the relationship.
“Codependency is rooted in the fear of abandonment. The codependent’s need to be needed keeps them in toxic relationships, often with narcissists.”
Healing From Codependency
If you’re reading this and thinking, "Yikes, this hits close to home," first of all, take a deep breath. You’re not alone, and there’s nothing wrong with you. Healing from codependency is possible, and it starts with small steps like:
Building Self-Awareness: Notice when you’re prioritizing someone else’s needs over your own. Ask yourself, "What do I need right now?"
Setting Boundaries: Practice saying "no" or asking for what you need, even if it feels uncomfortable.
Therapy: Working with a therapist can help you unpack the roots of your codependency and build healthier patterns.
Self-Care: Make time to reconnect with yourself. What brings you joy? What are your passions? Invest in you.
Final Thoughts
Codependency isn’t a personality flaw or something to be ashamed of. It’s a learned pattern that you can unlearn with time, effort, and support. And while it’s important to address, let’s not forget that interdependence—the healthy kind of mutual reliance—is what makes relationships thrive.
So next time you hear someone casually throw around the word "codependent," you can gently remind them: It’s not about needing people. It’s about finding balance, honoring your own needs, and showing up as your full, authentic self in relationships.
