Your Psychological Shadow Is Calling (And It’s Probably Pissing You Off)
You ever meet someone and just instantly dislike them? Like, they haven’t done anything particularly bad, or maybe just kinda annoying, but something about them just gets under your skin? Or the opposite—you meet someone and immediately put them on a pedestal, convinced they’re perfect, enlightened, untouchable? You just could never be like them.
Well, congratulations. You just met your shadow.
What Is the Shadow?
“Whatever we fear most about ourselves has great power over us. When we turn toward it instead of running away, we find that it was never as terrible as we thought—it was simply unknown.”
Carl Jung, the Swiss psychoanalyst who gave us fun existential crises like the collective unconscious, anima/animus, and archetypes, also gave us the shadow—the part of ourselves we repress, deny, or disown because it’s not socially acceptable or doesn’t fit with our self-image.
Think of the shadow as your psychic storage closet. Every time you’ve thought, I can’t be like that, or I would never do that, or That part of me doesn’t exist, you’ve chucked something into that closet and slammed the door shut. But those parts don’t disappear. They just lurk in the dark, waiting for a moment to reappear—often projected onto other people.
How Do You Find Your Shadow? Follow Your Strongest Reactions.
“If we do not learn to live with our own shadow, we will encounter it in others—in projections, in enemies, in the endless conflicts of the world.”
Your shadow often shows up in two key ways:
Disgust, irritation, or extreme judgment of others.
Idealization and extreme admiration of others.
The People Who Repel You
If you feel a big emotional charge about someone—like, they make you irrationally angry, judgmental, or deeply disgusted—your shadow is probably involved.
Example: You cannot stand that one coworker who is always bragging about their accomplishments. They’re so arrogant, self-absorbed, and attention-seeking. You pride yourself on being humble, so their self-promotion enrages you.
Finding My Shadow
A few years ago, I was walking through the streets of San Francisco with a friend. We were mid-sentence about something entirely unrelated when a tiny, trembling chihuahua almost tripped us. The poor thing had that classic chihuahua look—bulging eyes, nervous energy radiating off its little body like a dying Wi-Fi signal, and a posture that screamed, I am afraid of everything, including my own existence.
Without thinking, I muttered to my friend, I don’t like those dogs. They always look miserable, sad, and afraid.
He turned to me, eyebrows raised, and said, That’s your shadow.
That’s the thing about the shadow—it’s always lurking in the places we judge the hardest. We project it outward, onto chihuahuas and people and situations that remind us of the parts of ourselves we’d rather pretend don’t exist.
Shadow clue: Maybe there’s a part of you that wants to be seen, recognized, and valued—but you’ve shoved that desire deep down because it doesn’t fit your self-image. Your shadow is saying, Hey, maybe we want some recognition too.
The People You Idealize
On the flip side, if someone seems perfect, godlike, or above reproach, you might be projecting disowned parts of yourself onto them.
Example: You admire your best friend’s ability to set firm boundaries and speak their mind. You think, Wow, I could never be like that.
Shadow clue: Maybe you could—but you’ve convinced yourself you’re “not that kind of person.” You’ve denied your assertive side, and now it’s showing up in your pedestal moment.
Integrating the Shadow: Reclaiming What’s Yours
The goal isn’t to eliminate the shadow—it’s to integrate it. That means acknowledging the parts of yourself you’ve rejected and figuring out how to relate to them in a healthier way.
“The shadow is a living, breathing, necessary part of who we are. We can no more cut it out than we can remove our own spine. But what we can do is learn from it, listen to it, and work with it.”
Some Ways to Start:
Notice your emotional reactions. If you feel way too strongly about someone’s behavior, ask yourself: What does this reaction tell me about myself?
Reclaim the disowned part. If someone’s arrogance infuriates you, maybe you need to own your confidence. If someone’s boundary-setting makes you starstruck, maybe you need to develop that skill yourself.
Practice self-compassion. You shoved these parts into the closet for a reason—maybe childhood messaging, trauma, or cultural conditioning. Be kind to yourself as you start opening that door.
“The shadow is not the enemy; it is the lost part of ourselves that longs to be reclaimed. Healing happens when we bring it home.”
Oversimplified Shadow Journeys:
Shadow: shaking chihuahua causes disgust
Journey: finding safe-ish ways to be vulnerable, unpack reasons why vulnerability has never felt safe
Shadow: irritation at an outspoken individual
Journey: learning to find your own voice, advocating for yourself, grieving painful past experiences of dismissing your needs
Shadow: idealizing someone in your field, feeling inferior around them
Journey: realizing your own gifts, feeling confident sharing your contributions, learning how making yourself small has made your safe
Your shadow isn’t your enemy. It’s the part of you that got exiled for survival. Integration is about inviting it back home.
And who knows? The people who trigger you the most might just be your greatest teachers.
